Hey Raider,
I know exactly how you feel about the never drinking again, ever. When I got sober the last thing I wanted was to never be able to drink again. It was too daunting, and I loved drinking so much.
But I needed get sober, or else I was going to die. So I did the detox and the rehab and when I got out with 5 weeks sober I was miserable. The thought of all the time ahead of me with no alcohol seemed too much.
I told myself that when I turned 80 I was going to be able to drink again. It was 35 years away, but at least I knew I wasn't giving it up for good.
At about a year and a half, I was okay with not drinking, but still missing it.
Something happened in the 2 - 3 year mark. I really like being sober now. I really like being a non-drinker now. Really, I do. Yes, occasionally there is the moment when my mom orders a vodka on the rocks and I think.....sucks to be me. But it is a fleeting moment.
Life is not all puppies and rainbows all the time. But that is life. There are hard times and there are fabulous times. But if I were not sober, there would be no times at all.
It got better for me, just took a long, long time. I hope you hang in there long enough to find some peace.
