Originally Posted by
Croissant 
I think this is all so true. You may not be happy with your life when you are sober, but that's exactly where alcohol got you.
Making decisions, dealing with life and backing up those decisions sober is sometimes hard. That's part of being present, being a grown up and actively participating in the life you've been given. Sure, I want to give up sometimes. I want to rewind back 10 years and have what alcohol hijacked from my life. I won't lie.
But, everyone is right....for me it took 10 years to create this quagmire....I ain't gonna fix it overnight. That's part of our problem....we always want the quick fix!
This is so true. De Mello writes about awakening (
Anthony de Mello - Awareness pt.1 on waking up - YouTube) most people don't want to wake up. They want a magic pill or pixie dust to take and make everything still look rosy and better. You should feel honored that you are finally waking up. Finally growing up. You are living life on life's terms. Sure it would be magical to live life as a child believing in pixie dust and Santa Claus, I can see this magic in my children. But its a fantasy and unsustainable.
It took me 39 years to finally wake up. I accomplished a lot while sleep walking but I was unable to appreciate my accomplishments because I was unable to appreciate myself. I lived in the past and future unable to be in the present except with the help of alcohol and drugs. And this was/is the rub, as my way to be present was/is unsustainable. So for the past ten months I have had to relearn how to live life. To live in the present.
Like you Raider I sometimes want to curl up or click my heals and be transported back to Kansas like Dorothy. But the moments when I am able to really live life and love my wife and kids for who they are and the gratitude of being able to take in these precious moments sober are priceless. I imagine my life was like someone with poor vision going around in a fog or haze. Now it feels like I have had lasic surgery and things are more vivid, good and bad.
My therapist and I often joke about how many would enter the halls of AA if the banner said, sobriety, now you get to face all the crap you ignored while active. Lol! I doubt many would sign up for this. But its true. In facing life though there are moments of beauty that you cannot take in active. I used to think life was about moments of over the top behavior. Private jets, Ferraris, Celebrity, drugs and alcohol. I would take the massive crashes for these few moments of over the top highs. You talk about those with long term sobriety and lack of rainbows. For me I have 10 months but I would take the real moments over those fake inauthentic jaunts.
Sorry for the ramble - I have not read all the replies but I relate to your sentiments but remind myself often about what life is all about - its was never about booze and drugs.