sick of my self
Hello I'm totally new here and to recovery as a matter of fact I have 0 days clean. I spent last night I night binge drinking and of course I hate myself today. My life is completely messed up. I don't have a job, I'm not being a very good mother or wife, and I'm not much of a friend to myself. In fact I'm just the opposite. I don't have any friends because I just stay home n drink. This is not living. As a matter of fact I'm very slowly dying and to tell the truth right now I'd rather be dead. Any way I've tried to quit drinking before but as u can see it didn't work. I've been to detox but I left after 2 days only because I felt bad about leaving my daughter (I only had one at that time). I also tried meetings but I haven't gone to 1 in a long time. I tried to go to 1 today but when I got there they informed me that they stopped having that meeting a long time ago. This just made me want to say screw it and go drink some more, but I didn't. I found another meeting that's at 7 tonight but its to far and I waisted my bus fair on the meeting (that never happened) this morning. IDK I'm just tired. As I've already said I don't have a job so I'm on welfare. I'm suppose to go volunteer Monday to Friday to keep my benefits but I'm messing that up too. I'm going to be the reason my children are homeless. I'm always late and sometimes I don't make it at all. I came up with the idea to just go to social service n let them know I'm an alcoholic and need help. They will more then likely put me in an out patient program (which I need) but I don't want to tell on myself. What if I fail? Will they then make it a CPS issue. I'm so scared idk what to do. If I keep going like this I will fail at life but if I rat myself out and I fail (drink again) what will happen to me? To my kids? I just want to be normal. I just don't want to be me.