These thoughts have been very wise and helpful. Can you all help me with one more piece of it? We have the legal separation and he signed a new apartment lease a month ago. He's been splitting his time between our place and the new place and we said once he got settled we would then try to work through the relationship. We agreed that would entail periodic contact/dating and trying to give each other some distance and room to breathe.
This past weekend he said he was going to pack up all the rest of his stuff and bring it to the new place. I became hysterical. I was weeping, crying, begging him not to go for hours. It was a complete meltdown, and it surprised me, and certainly him too. He said no need to get so upset - we would still go forward with our plan to work on it, just that he needed his things. I totally understood that logically and of course I want him to have his stuff. I just couldn't bear the thought of all of his things being out of our home. It just felt so final. LIke if some of his stuff was still here he would be more likely to come back but if all of it was at the new place he wouldn't.
The boxes are now all packed but not moved out. I feel horrible because I am sending him such mixed signals and am really confused myself. When I look at the facts of our relationship and all that has happened, there are not that many compelling reasons to stay. Yet when I face the situation of him truly leaving I completely fall apart. I love him and yet I have this dim awareness that this isn't healthy - the drama itself is horrific, much less the things in the relationship that have happened.
For those who left did you go through something similar? I don't know if it is that I am not ready to let go or if it is that the love is so strong that my feelings are telling me to stay and work it out.
The events of this weekend are truly my responsibility - he was calm, reasonable, logical and dealing with the situation quite maturely. I was the basket case.
Any advice on how to handle this ? I do think we need some space apart with the periodic contact/dating as we had agreed, but now he is going to think I'm reversing myself again since my hysterics basically said "don't go."