HOw do I know he is an alcoholic
Hello,
I joined in the spring but then haven't been on in a while. My question is a simple one, but I think there is no simple answer and I was hoping to hear some perspectives from family members who have been there.
I suspect my husband is an alcoholic but I keep flip flopping in this assessment as to whether it is true or not. I see him use alcohol on a regular basis and his usage can dramatically increase depending on what's going on in his environment (work stress, fights with me, etc). Let me share some examples. Maybe I'm just looking for validation of what I already know but I feel like I am going crazy in trying to figure this out. OUr marriage is in trouble (we are legally separated) and I'm trying to determine whether to give it one last chance or not and the alcohol behavior scares me.
We've been married 6 years and in that time frame he has been drunk hundreds of times. When with his buddies or work colleagues he routinely will come home hours later than what he said he would (e.g., come home at midnight instead of 9 pm) and often smells like booze. When we argue, he storms out and goes straight to the bar and stays there for 7-8 hours. On vacations, I see him order a double martini in the airport at breakfast, and then 2 more on the airplane at 9 am. On one vacation he drank an entire bottle of rum in 24 hours by himself. Last week I found a receipt for a lunch he had by himself where he ordered 6 tequilas and 4 bar drinks for a total of 10 drinks at 2:45 pm. That night he came home at 10:30 pm and slept on the couch and smelled like booze the next morning. So I know he drank more between 2:45 pm and 10:30 pm. He showed up drunk for a dinner with my friends a few years ago acted horrifically and never apologized for it. AT times when he has come home late he rings the doorbell deliberately to wake me or flips the lights on while I am sleeping with no regard for me.
IN between these episodes though he can go days and sometimes weeks without drinking or just drinking moderately. He can also be incredibly sweet, loving, charming and kind during these days. When drinking he can be mean but it is more of a stony arrogance. I refer to the differences as "Saturday morning Matt" (the nice one) and "Wednesday night Matt" (the stony/withdrawn one).
Fewer of these episodes have been happening lately because he is more secure in his job. It was really bad in 2008-2010 when the economy was at its worse. But they still happen. (2 times last week)
I struggle in my assessment of his degree of really being an alcoholic because I can see him go without. But I also see him drink incredibly large quantities - more than any friend or family member I've ever seen in my lifetime.
Our marriage is in trouble and I keep searching for the root cause. IN my readings on alcoholism I can see that it makes people act irresponsibly, with poor judgment and lack of consideration and so I vacillate between thinking that those behaviors are really his core self or whether they are the alcoholism.
Once several years ago he did attend 1 AA meeting to see what it was about but he said the stories were so over the top that he didn't think it looked like him. I did not push the issue.
My instincts tell me 10 bar drinks at lunch just are not normal, much less all the other stuff. But then we have days of nice, sweet behavior and I think that my marriage can work. But I'm afraid to commit and jump in with both feet because I don't see the acknowledgement on his end. We don't have kids - largely because things have been so tough for so many years that I couldn't imagine bringing kids into the environment.
I feel stuck - I don't feel I can fully leave without really giving him a chance to see this issue and a chance to address it, but I can't fully stay without him at least acknowledging it.
For those who have been there, do the incidents I describe sound like alcoholism to you? How do I weigh this into the decision of whether to stay and fight for our marriage or move on? He seems to want it, but my behavior has been very ambivalent in the past few months. I get hysterical at the idea of him leaving, but then when these episodes happen I feel so alone. My ambivalence is also not fair to him or to me, and I just feel stuck and scared and worried about the future both with him and without him.
Any advice? Thank you so much for listening.
Sally