I drank in a manner that wasn't out of control (but often abusive) for many years. Heck, I was able to quit nearly cold turkey for a while when I had to work 3 jobs. When I was able to return to a more normal work schedule, alcohol was there waiting for me. I drank again and it kept increasing until I found myself drinking nearly constantly. My work life had become very minimal. I was self employed and only worked on occasion. So I was able to drink round the clock.
I thought that if I just cut back, I could return to a level of drinking that was manageable. What I didn't count on was becoming a pickle. I heard someone say at a meeting one day that a cucumber could become a pickle but a pickle could never become a cucumber. I'm a pickle now. I accept that I will never be able to moderate my drinking and enjoy it and if I can't enjoy it, why have it in my life at all? I'm fine being a pickle, just so long as I continue to accept that and stop trying to be a cucumber on occasion.
I mangled that, Lol.