Hey, Paul! It's good to see you again. It's been a while since i'v been here as well. I understand where you are. It's hard to see past the next few hours, nevermind making some lifetime commitment to never drinking again or going to X number of meetings a week or whatever. That's fine. We all have different starting points.
If I may, just offer you some advice to use or set aside as you like. One thing that has worked for me recently is to be honest with myself and others. I mean ruthlessly honest with myself. I am a good liar and I'm terribly gullible so if I lie to myself, I'll eventually believe the lie. That means, if I tell myself that I can drink, I will eventually drink. If I try to convince myself that I can have the relationship I want to have with alcohol instead of the relationship I actually have with alcohol, I'll drink. If I drink, I know I'll end up right back down the rabbit hole I've worked so hard to climb out of recently.
I can either enjoy my drinking or control it. Never both. I cannot change the immutable truth of my relationship with alcohol. It is what it is, not what i wish it could be. As long as i can accept that and embrace that truth every day, i have a good chance of staying sober. I attend AA meetings, have a sponsor and talk to other sober alcoholics but being honest and true to myself is at the core of my sobriety.
I believe that you have the capacity to be honest. Your journal here is proof enough of that. Start back at the beginning with honesty. The rest will come when you are ready to progress. We're here, as always. I believe in you and i'm very happy to see you again.