I got sober for a month the year before I got sober for real. It was a completely different experience. The first time all I did was stop drinking, I didn't change a thing except putting down the bottle. I felt deprived and cognizant the entire time of what I thought I was missing. Those 30 days seemed endless, it was like fasting. I was resentful of everyone else who could drink, and felt like a little kid whose toy had been taken away.
This time I took a very different route. I enlisted the help of doctors, went away, removed alcohol from the house. I made it a very central issue in my life. These 11 months have flown. There were some murky weeks, and months 4 and 5 were scary because I felt so flat. But I pushed on, knowing that I was making the journey of a lifetime. I stayed connected here, I continued to see a therapist weekly.
The last few months have been some of the best in my life. Not because of any real external factors, but more because I have begun to find the girl I lost. You know the saying "go shopping in your own closet"? That is sort of how I could explain it. All of the good stuff was obscured by my obsession with alcohol. I have a visual of pulling wine labels off of my soul everyday revealing the authentic me underneath.
For me, having a date in the future that I would even consider drinking again would totally change my state of mind. You know the person who keeps looking over your shoulder when you are speaking to them searching for someone else? That would be me, involved but not really committed. Instead I am fully engaged with what is in front of me, and my understanding of what I was giving up in order to cling to something that was hurting me deepens daily.
Most of us have had periods of extreme focus in our lives. Studying for a huge exam, or training for an athletic event, or going on a major diet before our class reunion. That sort of modified behavior with an end date in mind is usually radically different than our day to day life. We can do it for a period but we expect to revert back to our regular habits once we achieve our goal. I think approaching sobriety like that makes it really difficult. I had to understand that I was integrating a complete life altering decision that would give me the best chance for the life I want.
Getting sober this time has created the sense of moving away from the bottle and all it represented. If I had an end date in mind, I would feel like I was moving towards the bottle, it would be a totally different experience.