He's very mad at me, that I didn't stay out of it and let him handle it in his own way. What he doesn't get is that I'm IN IT and have been for many years. If quitting was that easy, it'd be no problem to say, "oh, you called him? No big deal, I'm not drinking so it doesn't matter." Um, yeah... that's not the response I got. He may be turning down any help at all this time. If he reaches out for it, great. I have no expectations here. If I'm the sacrifice for being mad enough to do something different, fine. His choice. I don't know if he'll ever get over my making a second phone call - the first was last December - but I needed to do it. His boss had some tough words for me today and I deserved much of it. I am a codie. I do minimize things and avoid dealing with this.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. When I can't believe anything my husband tells me, when I find myself slipping into codie-isms, then I need to stop buying into the lies.
I've always been open to change and to moving, even though my husband doesn't believe that. There was a long time that I wasn't physically up to being able to move, and that's very different and was compounded by his drinking. I never wanted to leave
this way. That's the part I've been fighting all this time. The alcohol. I've stopped fighting it. Whatever happens with his job is up to him and is not due to me -- his boss thinks I need to babysit him and make sure he doesn't drink, that he doesn't buy any more. That's not happening either. I have NO power over that. If he wants to drink, he'll find a way. I can't be awake 24 hours a day or have alarms going off it he goes somewhere without me.
So today... I will make the most of the rest of it. Yesterday I worked, but it was mostly outside and was a bit of a sabbatical for me. I meditated a bit, prayed a lot and worked on taking care of me. I felt very balanced and good, and that is carrying over to today so what would have torn me apart a month or two ago, is now just something I have to deal with.
Seriously? Life flights, trauma units, looking for my husband out in the dark and not knowing if he's dead and having an eerie calm because I don't know what I'm dealing with next? Having him intensely fiercely mad at me because I'm trying to take him to the hospital to save his life, and that he still thinks he didn't really needed to go??
Oh yeah. I needed to make this call today. I cannot and will not go down this road again.
Several weeks ago I said that I'm letting go of my loyal soldier. That it's his war now. I just made a major step in letting it go. He sees it as a betrayal, I see it as a necessary step for both of us. What stays hidden doesn't heal.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-soldier.html
I'm going to go get some work done, stay connected and balanced. I have commitments I need to take care of for today and tomorrow, and for the first time in the past two months, I'm not mentally screwed up from his drinking and putting them off. There are probably a lot of people who think I shouldn't have called. I'm finally feeling like I'm stepping out of the strangle-hold of alcohol. I know I'm okay and I did what I needed to for myself.