Hi everyone.
I'm really worried that I don't want to quit drinking badly enough, to truly quit. But at the same time, I really really want to quit. But drinking is giving me something that I can't seem to find anywhere else. It's a deep, deep pleasure and bliss - everything feels so great. I know it doesn't last. I know there are so many negative side effects to it, and those things are ruining my life. I want to quit. But, I also don't know how I would survive without drinking (ironic, I know).
A couple months ago, after being in the hospital, I was afraid to drink or else I would cause more pain/harm to my body. So I went back to my eating disorder. Then I cleared that up, and then ended up severely depressed. Just sleeping all day. I couldn't bear to be alive, so I would just sleep. I used to self harm, but luckily, I didn't turn back to that. So I just slept, because being alive and conscious was too depressing.
Then I found out my body could handle drinking again. The floodgates opened, and wow did I drink!! And now I still can't seem to stop. I stopped for 33 days recently, but then started drinking again. it's definitely filling some need.... I know it is.
I'm afraid that the negative aspects of me drinking are not outweighing the positives of drinking. I desperately want them to, but maybe they're not??? Do I have to wait until some stupid time in the future where I finally hit rock bottom? What if it stays this way, where drinking is causing some damage but the pleasure I get from it is higher? Am I doomed forever???
Am I just not ready to quit? I want to be able to quit...I don't want to WANT to drink. I just feel like if I quit, I would have nothing strong enough to keep me quit. I have a therapist who will be working through this with me, but... it doesn't seem to be enough. I will be joining some sobriety groups too, which hopefully will help. But I know this has to come from inside me. I'm so worried that I don't have what it takes. That I'll just be a prisoner forever. Like I am in that part of the abusive relationship where yes, I am being abused and I don't like it, but I am also getting something out of it and seem to think it's not that bad... I just don't know. I think I'm doomed.
Is there hope for me? Or does it sound like I'm just not in a place to quit. Like I don't want it badly enough. I feel like when I tried to quit before, there was nothing else that could possibly feel as good as drinking made me feel. I need more satisfying things in my life I guess. I know that life isn't all peachy - and that there is a lot of pain too - but I would like to be able to handle this life without relying on alcohol. I want to be free of it. But.... do I want it badly enough? I'm so torn.
