unchartedxo

My husband already knows I have a moderation issue. He knows that when I start drinking, it is hard for me to stop before I am too drunk and out of my own control and in the control of alcohol. He knows that sometimes I can moderate but sometimes I cannot. He knows how I beat myself up and hate myself when I do get drunk. He knows all this.

But this past weekend I finally fessed up to him about the rest. I told him that every night I want one drink. That every night I argue with myself as to whether not I can control one drink. That every day I try to convince myself I can be normal drinker, that I will no longer get drunk, but then maybe just maybe getting drunk really really sounds like a fun idea.

Normal drinkers don't have this internal dialogue before they have a drink. Normal drinkers don't fantasize about the first long draw from a beer bottle or mixed drink... And imagine the immediate feeling of warm and fuzziness spread in your chest.

So this weekend I decided to tell him that. Because I am a weekend binge drinker (I sometimes have one or two during the week, but that's rare) and this past weekend I did not drink. And I felt it was necessary for him to understand how hard it was for me not to have that first one. It was not an easy conversation :-/