WanderingBear

Hello all and *FAIR WARNING*, this may be a little long-winded. I joined this site some time ago, but I never posted anything. A little background:

I am 44, and almost 13 years ago I took it upon myself to quit drinking. It wasn't actually much of an event, I just quit cold turkey and have not had so much as a sip since. I didn't even find it difficult, save for the first few months getting used to not ordering beers when eating out, and not going out with friends anymore. I also needed to find other uses of my time on weekends. It was a decision I came to after 18 years of fairly steady drinking.

I was an angry, rebellious child who grew up in an alcoholic household (verbally abusive mother (when drunk) who was hammered quite often, routinely passed out on the floor, didn't come home sometimes, embarrassed me countless time in public, etc.), and I started drinking myself at the age of 13 along with friends my age. We were all middle class kids with little supervision. At that tender young age, the drinking was infrequent (it still blows me away when I see a 13 year old and recall that I was drinking then), however we drank to get buzzed/drunk. As the years progressed, the drinking became more frequent, and I could handle drinking more in one sitting. On most occasions it was beer, but there were shots and other things here and there.

I was never an everyday drinker, mostly a weekend binge type. I didn't like the feeling of being hungover at work so it was something I mostly avoided during the week. I was also aware of addiction and had no interest in withdrawal symptoms or becoming physically dependent upon anything. That being said, there was a lot of heavy drinking on weekends, and getting a little too loose and making poor decisions I would have avoided had I been sober, such as drinking and driving, sleeping around, fistfights (I would not start them but I was happy to oblige when someone else did). I also smoked marijuana, but pretty much stayed away from other drugs.

The impetus for me quitting drinking was the beginning of a new relationship and the realization that my drinking was not "normal", and also the desire to try to find more happiness. I had a distorted view of the world where it seemed like "everyone" drank and got drunk from time to time when in reality it was because of the people I surrounded myself with. I was shocked to find out that my new girlfriend had never even been drunk. She told me she once had 3 or 4 drinks and got really tired and went to bed. Geez, 3 or 4 drinks was a warm-up act for me before I actually went out. With friends, I could easily put away 18-24 beers in a night. She said that my drinking scared her. It does seem quite excessive looking back on it, but I'm not a small guy either, so I had a pretty good tolerance.

Anyway, the reason I am writing is that I have, over the course of the past few years, been feeling like my decision to quit drinking actually resulted in less happiness and a diminished quality of life. I am almost ashamed to admit that I have become a much more serious, sullen, and unhappy individual afterwards. I actually looked up the term "dry drunk" to try to find out if I fit the bill. I have developed a somewhat nasty disposition at times, not necessarily in public but more in private and by myself. Alcohol used to be an outlet for me. It was the one time when nothing else mattered, and I could truly relax and forget about life's stresses. It seems that without it I lack good coping skills and the stresses of life have taken their toll. I no longer go on dates, I have developed horrible anxiety attacks, and I have seriously wondered if resuming drinking would bring back a lot of the happiness I used to experience back then. I am honestly not thinking of doing this any time soon, but the thought has crossed my mind as I ponder if this whole time has been a failed experiment. I think I expected life to really improve after I quit, and it's only gotten worse. I've also grown tired of saying "no, I don't drink" when pressed to go out for cocktails with new friends, etc.

I guess I'd like to know if anyone else feels like this after such a long period of time sober.