Lkl2252

Hello everyone,

Just would like to say that although this is my first post, I have already read many of your threads and posts here and they have been very helpful. I thank you all for that.

I am 25 years old, and once midnight hits I'll be 22 days sober. This was a long time coming... Although I had a really hard time admitting that I had a problem drinking. 90% of the time I would be totally fine. I would be able to have wine or a beer with dinner, enjoy a drink with friends or family, or even a few more and be fine. The rest of the time I was just not able to stop. On the weekends, if it was a long day of drinking, I would keep up with those around me, usually bigger people than me and also men. I didn't seem to notice that I was drinkkng faster and more than every other female friend that was around or over. I am taller for a girl and weigh 130 pounds, and on a typical weekend day / night of drinking I would sometimes have more than 10 - 15 drinks. Some how I would justify this because it was over a long period of time or whatever. It was unhealthy and because of this habit I've now lost several friendships and more recently my relationship with my boyfriend.

Blackouts wouldn't be uncommon for me on these days. Aggression and kind of this "tough girl" attitude would emerge, and that is what would cause me problems. On a bad night, something simple like getting bumped in a bar or a drunk guy spilling beer would set me off. Also insignificant comments or actions by my boyfriend would make me extremely sad or angry. I got either physical with him or toward myself several times, and I can't say that I didn't break a phone or two in the process.

Last October, one of these bad nights turned extra bad when the police were called on me because I was basically going bizeark on my quiet street. After that night I was told by my boyfriend that if something like this happened again, he would leave me. I made a semi attempt to work in my problem. I went to tgerapy for three sessions, but was not able to give up drinking when she asked if I thought I could, even for only a few weeks. I worked on "moderation" and for a while I did well with only having a few drinks at parties or out with friends. I began to get comfortable, I stopped going to therapy, and slowly the drinking wine each night with dinner made it eaiser to again drink more on the weekends.

Fast forward to the day before this easter. Friends were in town and an all day drinking day was in order. The weather was nice and we were all enjoying ourselves. Underlying issues and insecurities about my relationship had been bothering me, and I had been planning to have a talk with my boyfriend and hopefully settle things and get me feeling better about things. Unfortunately this didn't happen before this day. I began with wine and probably had a bottle and a half or two. I had a few beers after that, and eventually we headed to the bar where I drank harpoon IPA's, probabaly 3 of them. Then one more light beer. This is what I think at least. Eventually when it came time to leave, this is where my memory begins to fail me. Long story short, that aggression mixed with underlying feelings came out full force. Police yet again got called, and I was close to being arrested. The boyfriend did as he said he would, and he left me.

A week later is when I have up drinking, I only had a few drinks between the incident and then. It began to sink in for me how serious this all was. I hate so much that I wasnt able to realize this all sooner. Two days after I stopped drinking I went back to my old therapist to give it another more committed try. She asked if I could give up drinking till the next time I saw her in two weeks, and this time I did not hesitate. Since I have been doing a lot of reading, research and reflection. I decided I wanted to do a "30" as they suggest in moderation management. That will be Memorial Day. I have decided that I will remain sober after that. Since giving it up it has been easy. I don't get cravings, I am still able to spend time with friends and be around alcohol, and I am enjoying waking up on a Saturday or Sunday not hungover.

This is where my confusion sets it. I know that I've always had a tendency toward aggression when I am really really drunk. In college I broke a bone in my hand, I've gotten in other stupid arguments and fights with random people, and of course more recently the issues I had with my now ex-boyfriend. I don't know if I am a person who truly needs to leave alcohol behind for good or if I would be able to drink normally and enjoy a drink or two from time to time. Then I think, why even bother? I know I can't be a person that should ever drink in excess, but can I be a person who can have a drink with dinner, and is it even worth it.

I have decided that I absolutely will not even consider drinking until I feel totally in control of my emotions, feelings, and am happy again. I have been extremely down because of the break up, and it's been hard to enjoy the sobriety because if it. He was a heavy drinker too, and many if not all of out issues stemmed from things that we would each do that hurt the other when we were drinking. Either way, although he says he still loves me he says that it's too late, and doesn't trust that this won't happen again; which really hurts the most. I do feel confident in my sobriety, and confident that I will never drink again like I had. I wish I had been able to come to this in October, but I had an extremely hard time admitting I had an issue. My father was (is I guess if you go by that rule) and alcoholic but has been sober for over 15 years. I have a genetic disposition to alcoholism, so although I didn't have a low bottom or wasn't drinking every day or felt I needed to drink, I am beginging to believe that I am too an alcoholic. Again, this is where my confusion is. Also, I am having a hard time with beating myself up over these mistakes. I am hurt that someone who loves me is unable to be with me now and support me. I know I violated his trust, but I wish he could see how hard it was for me to admit this problem.

Sorry for the short novel. I am just hoping for some perspective, hopefully some of you have perhaps been in this same situation of confusion. Alcohol has caused me a lot of probelms. I am beginning to think it really would be best to leave t forever. I have read others posts about the difficulties of giving up alcohol I. Your 20s and also read the reaponces about how people wish they had.

I am looking forward to being part of this community. Thank you all in advance.