lillamy

That's sort of where I'm at, too. Three years is AN ETERNITY when you're 15. Frankly, three years is an eternity when you're 50, too.

I do have doubts about her therapist's effectiveness -- I think part of why (I feel like) she is moving very cautiously is that she thinks DD was sexually abused by AXH, and she says that is the knot that DD needs to feel utterly comfortable to start untying.

No, she's not hopeless or a bad kid. She's a really good kid. She has a heart of gold and is compassionate without being codependent (much). She's supremely talented in arts and music, and that's where all her motivation is. She's never been tested for giftedness, but having raised one such kid, I see it in her too -- but it's not the IQ-test logical giftedness that they identify and test for; it's more almost the kind of pattern-recognition giftedness you see in autistic people. (And anyone who's dealt with gifted kids knows it's not something you say to brag as a parent -- it's a different way their brain functions and you have to approach things differently with them. My youngest one is bright and a hard worker but by no means on the gifted spectrum.)

Like Anvil said, DD doesn't see the point of jumping through hoops to get good grades -- she knows the material, she feels like that is at the end of the day what is important. And I've told her that I basically agree with that -- that learning is in a larger perspective way more important than grades. But that the jumping through hoops stuff is part of what you learn in school -- it's something you'll be doing the rest of your life, just like dealing with difficult people is.

I think she feels very different and is sort of embracing the outsider identity. The people she's been hanging out with are, she has discovered now, people who are outsiders because they don't have a choice. They're people with incredible trauma, often ongoing (sexual abuse, parents who cook meth in the garage, etc) -- and she's beginning to see that while she can relate to those people more than to the straight-A blonde cheerleader who's dating the quarter back and whose dad is a state senator, there's a limit to how much she has in common with those kids, too.

I think it's something most teens struggle with -- belonging -- but she is moving from that group of friends (where failing is a badge of honor) to a new group of friends. I think that may help motivate her.

I honestly don't have any pride or shame in whether she graduates or not. It's mostly about the obstacles she will face if she doesn't. She would be making her life much harder than it needs to be -- and I feel like I'd be at fault as a parent if I didn't push her to do everything she can to actually graduate.

It does bother me that she isn't making an effort -- because I think work ethic is more important than most things. I would be less worried if she worked her tail off and got Ds in all subjects because that's what she was capable of. And at 15... she's at an age where I don't feel like I should take over, keep in daily touch with teachers, make sure she does her homework, and the likes -- I feel like that would be codependent in spades and that she really does need to take responsibility herself about this... but it's difficult for me to know what to do. If she was in fourth grade, I'd definitely choose to micromanage more -- but at 15, you know, she's 3 years away from being an adult and she needs to learn to make good decisions without pressure from me.

I have to ponder this some more:
because I do think she's got quite a bit of that. I'm just not sure how to approach that.

Thank you for helping me think this through!