Fear of death behind drinking and smoking addicition
For years now, I have tried to give up.
Last night, a friend poured her heart out to me about the experience that she went through when discovering her father dead - two weeks after he had given up drinking and smoking. She gave me the graphic details and I won't repeat them here.
I was calm and supportive towards my friend but went home and drank/smoked big time. I saw my daughter in (forecast some years into the future) in the same position as my friend, finding me dead. I have a huge fear of death. I haven't seen a doctor in years because I know that I have done damage to my body. Last night, the penny dropped: I have been living in denial - just like my friend's dad.
About two months ago, I saw a drug and alcohol counsellor for one session but was frightened off, because he told me that I needed to see a doctor to find out if I was dying because he has seen too many people die. That didn't exactly leave me feeling full of hope - so I didn't return.
I am afraid. I am so afraid that I return to the drinking and smoking. Something has to change. I don't want my beautiful daughter going through the same trauma as my friend.
But every time that I sober up and quit smoking, I feel depressed. I have no energy and can't get out of bed. I realize that it will pass and I'm determined on any given day to be healthy - but somehow I get to 3, 4, or 5pm and start the whole cycle again.
I need support to give up. I have tried AA but that is another story.
Maybe I'm just getting my story out. Maybe I'm seeking support.
I don't want to die and leave my daughter behind.