I am so sorry, lilamy. I have no advice as I'm in a similar boat. My ds16 is on honors/technical track and is currently failing two classes... one is the class that directly relates to his planned college major
DD14 is also failing one class and has Ds in two other classes (was magna *** laude the first semester.) DS has been no contact with his father for almost this entire school year. DD sees him once a week at most. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with dd but my ds sounds very similar to your dd.... very bright but unwilling to do the busy work. In some classes, it is possible to not do the work and still maintain decent test grades... in others, you really aren't going to do well on the test if you don't at least occasionally practice the concepts (math particularly.) Nothing I've said thus far has gotten through to him. Like your dd, my ds is not honest with his therapist about his grades.
I am also really struggling with figuring out what my boundaries should be. Do I cut them slack because it's been a year of major upheaval? Or, should the requirements be the same? It is so hard
My only advice is that 3 years is a long time. It really is impossible to know where your dd will be then. Just because she's struggling right now does not mean she will be then. I would try not to stress about what will happen/where she will be then.
I'm sorry, lilamy
Parenting is so hard!