Wow, my heart is aching for her just reading your post.... its like she has barricaded herself by building stone walls around her heart, locking herself in with all of her pain and keeping others out so that no one and nothing could ever hurt her more than she already hurts.
She sounds so much like my sister after my father passed away. He had only been sober for a few years prior to that, and she was only just starting to build a relationship with him when he got so suddenly sick and died. She was just getting ready for her senior year and the pain was just too great for her to manage; she wouldn't let go of it but she wouldn't let anybody all the way in to help her deal with it either. Her straight A, honor roll, college bound train came to a screeching halt and she nearly failed. She pulled it together enough to graduate but just barely - nothing could make her open up fully until she was good and ready and to be honest, it took her years and she still struggles. It's one of those emotional things where we refuse to see until we are ready or until our perspective shifts somehow so that we can see it differently. ((((hugs)))) I don't think there's a right/perfect answer, and I also don't think you're necessarily being Codie about it.