GracieLou

I did this because it was what I was taught to do. There always had to be a plan. There always had to be a list. Every detail had to be covered. Every possible scenario had to be thought of before anything was done, ever.

I carried this into my adult life and through out my alcoholism. Everything had to be thought out first. Even what other people may or may not do, what they may or may not say.

I realize now after a year sober and getting some distance from my narcissistic mother that it really goes against my nature. I have always been more of a free spirit and to go where the wind blows. I was fighting against myself most of my life.

An event such as going camping was a nightmare. The lists of lists. The list of food. The list of people with a list for each person. A list of what to bring. A list of what not to bring. The list of what to bring "just in case". On and on. That is what I was taught because NOTHING could go wrong. Nothing could be forgotten. It was set so in no way, shape or form could my mother be blamed for anything going wrong. It was planned so well that it was not fun to go anywhere and it took forever.

I became the same way but I was not as detailed because in my true form, I AM NOT. I am easy going and relaxed about it. Throw three things in a bag, grab a blanket and pillow, get a fishing pole and lets go!

Today I am learning to relax. I also have to stop myself from organizing and planning. It is like as soon as an activity or event is mentioned my mind goes to "plan it/organize it" mode.

The AA program has taught me to live one day at a time. I try hard to do that these days and not get frustrated. It is like I want to plan so bad because that is what I was trained to do but I have to back off and just go with the flow. So far, every time I have done that things had turned out fine so I am getting more comfortable doing that.

I hope to get back more of my relaxed and carefree attitude as I remain sober.

I honestly think that is the only reason I was able to manage the unmanageability so long, cause I had everything laid out in my head. Day after day, week after week. I can tell you that when I finally said I am done, I was dog tired.