I messed up
It's humbling to post that after 10 weeks of sobriety I messed up yesterday evening. I had the tools available to me to avoid it, but I chose not to use them and went ahead anyway. My courage is good, and I am taking several valuable lessons from the slip:
1. I cannot moderate - I had 1 carefully measured ounce of vodka that finished a bottle and then went on to drink several glasses of wine over the course of the evening and only stopped because there was no more alcohol.
2. I did not enjoy it and prefer sobriety over being buzzed / drunk - I started to feel effects after just 1/2 ounce of vodka and did not enjoy how dumb, cloudy and uncoordinated it made me feel.
3. I can move past mistakes and my self worth isn't tied to my day count of sobriety. This may sound really odd but in some ways the slip has given me a sense of relief. Earlier this week I posted that I was tying my self worth to my day count and that if I ever slipped I was terrified I might be too overwhelmed to start again and may just give up. I was initially heart broken and felt like I had thrown away the last 10 weeks, but I woke up this morning with a calm resolve to sobriety and realized I was the same person this morning as I was yesterday before I drank.
4. I don't need to count days. Tied to point 3 I don't feel the need to count days anymore. What I need to do is just not drink today.
5. I need to be more careful and aware and listen to myself. I knew some things were slipping for the past week and the AV was making a strong case for moderation. I know I can't stay socially isolated forever, but I did too many things too fast without preparation and support.
6. After effects of drinking really suck - I woke up around 3am with a wave of nausea and realized I was sweating buckets. The cycle was repeated several times over the next several hours. Even though I've dealt with insomnia since quitting, I realized how much better it is to just wake up instead of wake up feeling sick and sweaty. A headache and lingering mild queasiness today is reinforcing the message.
In some ways I think I needed this. I feel a lot more humble and grounded like I was in the early days when I quit 10 weeks ago.
Thanks for listening