Hello Confused - one hard lesson I have had to learn since leaving my AH after 17 years together, like you, is that nothing about his behaviour, words or actions, was rational. And being the rational person that I am (I'm an analyst, can't help myself), I was struggling for years while we were still together to make sense of it all. Still can't, most waking hours when I'm alone are taken up going over the whole thing in my head, round and round. Like you, I haven't been to Al Anon, but my friends have stepped up to the plate and made a massive difference. They are hearing most of the 'behind closed doors stuff' for the first time, and it was a huge relief not to have to pretend any more. If, like me, you maybe haven't had them over for dinner for a while because your H's drinking was an embarrassment, ask a couple of them round and cook them a nice dinner, and talk. My girlfriends and I have had some great evenings just ... being friends. It will at least help you get a bit of perspective, and I'm sure, lighten your load for a while. Hugs.