What I see here is that unlike most alcoholics your husband is acknowledging that his disease has detrimental effects on you which he no longer wants to put on you. And like most active alcoholics he is also putting himself in a position to drink without boundary.
While the answer would seem obvious (to us all) that he should choose recovery, I read that your husband is unsure if he can or wants to do that. This is not a metric for deciding whether or not your husband loves you.
When I ask him if he's happy he says he doesn't know he just feel numb. What does that mean?? Of course I don't know for sure but it sounds like he is in limbo/gray area. Can't decide what's the right thing to do. Not sure if he can get sober. Wants to be with you but doesn't want to hurt you. Doesn't want to come home if he can't quit and not sure if he can or wants to and doesn't want to hear and sh!t in the meantime about his drinking.
He also told me that part of the reason held was that he didn't want to go through counselling and knew that he'd be letting me down again after he promised he would!! He is still actively drinking - counseling is unsuccessful for most who are actively drinking. I think your husband is very well aware that this is the core problem. He doesn't need a counselor to tell him what he already knows.
He believes this is what is best for me.
He is right, it is what's best for you as he is still actively drinking.
Is it because he doesn't have to feel guilty about hurting me and letting me down and the only person he has to consider is himself??
Yes. Its a very, very selfish disease.
I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I strongly recommend you get into an Al Anon program as soon as possible. "Let go or be dragged" is the motto of the sober spouse. I hope today is a better day for you. Understand that no decision has been made. No one has decided to leave the marriage permanently. I hope your husband chooses recovery but in the meantime you need to help yourself.