Butterfly

Hi. I haven't posted in a while. I needed time to digest everything that was happening for me and everything that was being being said to me.

For those who don't know my AH left me 2 months tomorrow. He said he can't do this anymore and wants to be on his own he said he was unhappy at home but happy being with me!!! He was struggling with drink, caring for his uncle who is dying and took very ill just after Christmas 2014 and feelings that he was no good for me and that I was better off without him as he kept letting me down particularly in Feb when he binged badly. After which he would have felt very depressed and guilty for a period of time before he talked himself round and drank again. He says he's not experiencing these low depressions and feelings of guilt. Is that because he doesn't have to consider the impact it is having on me and his kids??

We have spoken several times since he left, I haven't been able to practice no contact as I have so many questions!!! The longest I have lasted is 3 days!! Recently he told me that there are days that all he wants to do is drink but can't at the minute as he is staying with his mum. He won't know until he's living on his own which is soon whether he will drink every night or all day. He has said that he is in love with me more than ever but can't keep putting me through all the hurt his drinking has caused. Recently he has said that being able to drink when he wants is helping him deal with life at the moment and that it makes him feel better?? When he was at home he would have experienced periods of very low depression and guilt after one of his drinking binges and now he doesn't. I don't understand why this has changed. Is it because he doesn't have to feel guilty about hurting me and letting me down and the only person he has to consider is himself??

He also told me that part of the reason held was that he didn't want to go through counselling and knew that he'd be letting me down again after he promised he would!! To me it's simple if you love someone and want to spend your life with them you will do what ever you have to so you won't keep hurting them. Maybe it's different for my Husband. He believes this is what is best for me. His uncles illness has impacted on him badly and he is one of his main carers. My Husband has always used to drink to cope with difficulties!!

He says he's still in love with me but feels that he needs to do this on his own he needs to know that if he doesn't drink it's because he chooses to and not because of any other influence or control???? He wants to be able to manage this on his own!! When I ask him if he's happy he says he doesn't know he just feel numb. What does that mean??

I haven't been coping too well and I am now off work as I couldn't concentrate on anything but what is happening. I spend most days in tears as I am so devastated that he left rather than seek help like he promised. There are days where I feel that everyone is better off without me. I have no motivation or energy and just sit about analysing everything and crying. I am struggling to cope with the loss of my husband. There are days I think how can he love me if he is hurting me like this? Why do I want to be with someone who could hurt me like this? If he ever did want to come home how could I ever trust him or feel secure in my marriage with him? I don't have the answers and may never have them. I do have a few very good friends but I hate bothering them with all this and worry they will get fed up with me and leave too. I am on a waiting list for counselling.

I am in a very bad place and can't see a way out. My Husband has hurt me so deeply I'm not sure I will ever recover!! I want to help him through this but he won't let me. He refuses to talk in any detail to me about any of this and won't speak with anyone else. I am not ready to give up on him on our marriage I love him and when he wasn't drinking he was a loving husband but drink consumes him at times and he has struggled with it for longer than I have known him. We have been together 18 years and would be our 17th wedding anniversary next month.

How do I support him but also look after myself and prepare that he may never want to come home or seek help??