I hope you are all doing ok.
For the past two weeks I have been struggling so much (wrote more on this in another post). It's been hard getting through work without crying. I started smoking cigarettes and it's disgusting. I started cutting myself again and not caring. I bought a bottle of vodka (don't worry, I know I'm not an alcoholic and I know I bought it specifically because of how I've been feeling and it's not ok). I got out of work today and planned on going straight home to burst into tears (after buying Ben & Jerrys peanut butter ice cream). But I passed by the craft store and made myself go in. I ended up buying a kids color by numbers book and colored pencils. I immediately felt better and was proud of myself for doing something not self destructive. I got home, put on some upbeat music and colored for two hours. It was great.
But then I switched over to some more mellow music and the song Come Talk To Me by Bon Iver came on (apparently it's a Peter Gabriel song). It's beautiful and I started sobbing because it reminds me of my XAB. The person in the song is begging for communication from someone else (could be a higher power but I connect it to my ex). It reminded me of all of the Times he was passed out when I got home. Or sobbing and staring into space not talking to me. Or the HORRIBLE time I found him on the couch. It was the night before a court date for getting into a fight with a few neighbour's. He had **** his pants. I got him into the shower. I went to clean up the mess on the couch and went back to check on him. He was standing in the shower, shivering, a mess, and kept saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
It was so ******* heartbreaking and I will never ever be able to forget that moment. To see this broken person who once had so much life in him. It kills me. Despite the abuse I endured and the roller coaster ride of being with an alcoholic, I feel so sad for him. I tried SO hard to help him and learned too late that there was nothing I could do.
I have an appointment on Monday afternoon with my DV counselor and then the support group at night. It feels like an eternity waiting for Monday. Mothers Day is Sunday and I'm trying to put on a happy face for my mom and actually try to enjoy the time with her because it's important. I also have an appointment with a therapist in a month which is so far away. I know I will feel better when I can spill all if this on Monday. As ******* hard as it is to feel a million different emotions all at once because I suppressed them for so long, I know it's healthy, it means I'm starting the healing process. But trying to stay in a positive space is so hard when all I want to do is cry in my bed all day.
On a better note, the weather is getting nice!
