I know I'm an argumentative bugger, that's just my way of figuring things through but I do take advice, especially when I respect those giving it!!
I told her about here, and TM (the mental health forum), I told her my friends knew about his drinking. I told her I ride at the weekends and swim in the week.
I asked her for to bits of help. First of all for me to not get pulled under by the stuff I hear (I need that for work too) and second that I didn't want to feel the overwhelming emotional soup I feel when he drinks. I can cope with one or two emotions at a time but when I see a pint in his hand I get all of them at once!!
She talked about not feeling other peoples emotions or at least to be honest that they are actually someone elses. That was the seed I want to see grow but I need to chew on it a little first.
For how I feel watching him drink she said she wasn't surprised - but I shouldn't feel worried because I'm feeling those things, ie I'm not bonkers!! I think that one is on the back burner till she's thought about it!
She also picked up that when D turned up the grief I'd felt for years didn't just disappear. It was odd hearing someone say that, I felt it so strongly on the day we married - like an emotional flash back to the feeling of loss, an overwhelming relief and joy at the same time. I never knew you could feel such opposites in the same moment. She felt I was very afraid I'd lose him - this is true because I already know what that's like.