Originally Posted by
POAndrea 
He just doesn't understand how his behaviors destroyed our past, present and future relationship. He acknowledges the steps I took to protect myself from physical harm ("Where did this deadbolt on the inside of the bedroom door come from?") but cannot comprehend the mental changes I had to make to keep myself emotionally safe as well. And the ignorance is really, really getting to me. How can he not understand what I went through? (Seriously, who the eff DOES the things he's done and said and then doesn't recognize their effects? AND then doesn't curl up and die from the shame and regret of it? How can the person I married be like that?) He isn't doing those things anymore, has been sober for about six months, and seems to think this means all is right with the world again. While I am grateful for the changes he's made, somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I will trust him not to drink, but I don't think I will ever entrust him with my open heart and mind, and I can't imagine feeling love for someone I don't believe in.
I feel like you have given me a glimpse into a potential future, Andrea. My AH seems to be making some positive progress (we are separated and communication is not completely open, so there's quite a bit of "unknown" right now) but he says he has not even had the urge to drink since his OWI arrest Easter weekend. He seems to be trying to understand the emotional battles I'm fighting, but I can see him adopting the attitude that says, "I'm not drinking...isn't that enough for us to be a family again?" Um, no. It's not. I have been hurt, over and over, and until he recognizes that and starts helping me heal (which I know can't happen until he gets his own demon under control), we can't be "us" again.
asm, hang in there. I have had to separate myself from my AH (physically, we're living in different places; financially, we're each responsible for ourselves when everything was previously joint) to make life bearable while he decides how he wants to live his life. At various times, I have hated him, missed him, loved him desperately...I don't know what the future will bring for us, but I have acknowledged that even if I can't have a life with him, I will always love him in some way. That is enough to keep bitterness from taking up permanent residence in me.