YES to everything above! I know for certain I am not IN love with my RAH anymore, but still deciding if I love him (there's a difference between the two, I think.) I honestly can't tell because the hurt and anger still overshadow every other consideration, and I doubt I can/should make that decision until I somehow manage those feelings first. It took a long time and was so difficult to resign myself mentally and emotionally to the reality that we didn't have anything even resembling a relationship. Over the years, I got used to providing for a family, maintaining a household, and just living a good life all by myself and it is very hard to go back to a collaborative effort. Especially if I'm not quite sure I WANT to. And I'm not always too nice about it either. Last week I made last minute decision to see to a movie with friends right after work, and Himself was genuinely upset and worried. ("I was so afraid something had happened to you at work. Why didn't you call?") I just started screaming at him that for the last five years there hasn't been a conscious person at home to answer the phone, so why would I even think to call home anymore? He is confused and hurt when I do not return his affection (And another thing: I swear to G-d if he tries to put his hands on me one more time I'm gonna snap them off at the wrists and shove them up his... anywho, moving on) because he honestly thinks we are still emotionally connected somehow. And that just blows my mind!
He just doesn't understand how his behaviors destroyed our past, present and future relationship. He acknowledges the steps I took to protect myself from physical harm ("Where did this deadbolt on the inside of the bedroom door come from?") but cannot comprehend the mental changes I had to make to keep myself emotionally safe as well. And the ignorance is really, really getting to me. How can he not understand what I went through? (Seriously, who the eff DOES the things he's done and said and then doesn't recognize their effects? AND then doesn't curl up and die from the shame and regret of it? How can the person I married be like that?) He isn't doing those things anymore, has been sober for about six months, and seems to think this means all is right with the world again. While I am grateful for the changes he's made, somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I will trust him not to drink, but I don't think I will ever entrust him with my open heart and mind, and I can't imagine feeling love for someone I don't believe in.
When all this mess started, I wondered how I would ever deal with it and hoped things would change back to the way they were before Himself drank. But now I look at the life I made for myself and see that it is good. (Pardon the blasphemy.) While not completely separate from him and his alcoholism, my life is instead parallel to his and no longer dependent on his successes or failures, and it is deeply rewarding in many ways. I'm starting to think I like the person I've become, largely in response to his drinking. I'm not sure I want to change myself and my life in the ways one would have to in order to reconcile with a loved one.