asm505

We got married 15 years ago and alcohol was an issue even before we got married. Throughout the years, I got mad, yelled, screamed, cried, begged, done nothing and everything to get him to control it. The last 8 years have been the worst of them all. The night we brought our daughter home from the hospital was a turning point where I realized this isn't fair but nothing I can do. I was exhausted, depressed, weepy, the baby wasn't sleeping and instead of helping me, he was drunk playing poker online.

Since that time we have gone through numerous episodes of trying to control the drinking. Not drinking during the week. No drinking before 5 on the weekend. Only setting aside a certain number to drink and nothing ever stuck. While he is not abusive, there were many times that I walked on eggshells or hoped the girls wouldn't fight to set him off. He would spend most weekends edgy and drinking. Plenty of times I witnessed our daughter talking to him and he was too much in 'the zone' to even pay attention. He wouldn't hardly want to do things with me and the girls because secretly (he didn't admit it till now) it would cut into his drinking time.

We have had multiple times over the years that I threatened to leave and once I even kicked him out for getting mad and calling me a ***** in front of my girls (unjustified). I mistakenly left him back that next day and he came home, propped his feet up and cracked open a beer. Learned nothing. That was about 3 or 4 years ago. This past year has been the worst of all. I had a major talk with him in December and basically told him that if he doesn't control his drinking, work on his possessiveness, insecurities and work with me to be more emotionally connected in our marriage, that I was done. A month later, I was still waiting on him to finalize a counseling appt. After many more talks between then and now and me pleading and nothing changing, I woke up one Monday to find that he drank 16-18 beers that Sunday. I basically told him I wanted him to leave.

He said that he knows he has a problem and needs help. He did get evaluated at a local treatment facility and will start intensive outpatient treatment in two weeks.

My problem is that I am very angry at all the broken promises and hurt over the last 8 years that I don't know if I am in LOVE with him the way a woman should be with her husband. Just tonight I asked him again to leave for a 3 week period and we could re-evaluate. Why do I feel so bad and guilty when he didn't care that I begged and pleaded over the last years not only to control the drinking but to also go to marriage counseling with me - he always complained so we stopped going. What if it's too late to get things back together. I will feel awful but I don't want to settle for a husband that is not supportive, understanding, emotionally involved any longer.

Sorry this is so long.