Hi Robert. I'm glad you wanted to start this discussion. We all care about you.
As CaptainZ said - early on it's fun & relaxing. We can all agree on that. I loved the way it once made me feel, but over the years I became completely dependent on it. When I finally quit I was drinking 24/7 & couldn't get enough to make me high or happy - I was just numb. Searching for the old euphoria brought me to my knees.
I understand how you feel - at 28 I was not ready to give up on the idea that I could still control it and enjoy it. I wish I'd reached out for some help then, before my world fell apart. Part of you realizes you're headed for trouble - please don't give up on a better life for yourself.