Even though it's obvious I can never dream of a relationship with this man, and I've already seen so many scary things, I love the person I believe is inside. Help me, I HURT.
I know you hurt. You wouldn't be human if this didn't hurt.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in this life, post-dealing with an addict, is we all make choices for better or for worse. And with those choices comes consequences.
Right now, you have an opportunity to examine why you've made the choices you've made so that you can learn from them and hopefully make better choices in the future. And right now, this man has to do the same. Odds are he won't. Under the best of circumstances, getting honest with yourself is a tall order. Convolve drugs into the mix, and it becomes even more difficult. What you're witnessing now with him is the battle between his addiction and his soul, and just when you don't think he can get any uglier, he will.
You can't be a part of that battle. You can't afford it. Emotional pain is just that, pain. It won't kill you, even though you may not believe that. Decouple from him and a) allow yourself to heal, and b) allow whatever is meant to happen to him happen.
Keep us posted. We're all in your corner.
ZoSo