CaringScared

I need support to do the right thing. My heart feels like it's in a pincer, and I hate everything I've been doing even if perhaps it's been right.

I've known the guy for six or eight months; we started falling for each other about three months ago, but I had reservations due to an age difference (he's younger). Just when I decided he was too lovable and charming to pass by, I found out he's addicted to crack. It absolutely broke my heart and terrified me, because I felt he was just the sweetest person on earth. I felt like I'd been told he had a death sentence.

And yet. And yet. Even though his violent behavior on crack earned him two weeks in jail, I found myself getting even more involved with him immediately upon his release. It sounds unconscionable and it is. I just fell so hard in love with him, and he was better after two weeks clean, and for a few days--days!--I was physically and emotionally caught up with him and falling blinder in love.

That was only two weeks ago. I could never have imagined the things I've experienced since then: him stranding me out so he could go find crack, lots of lying, truly cruel, ugly statements I NEVER could have imagined him capable of making to me (calling me a ****), acting like he hated me, despairing--and landing in a mental hospital briefly (three days).

One of the most awful things about it is that in retrospect I feel I wasn't helpful in the way I talked to him. I nagged him on a couple of occasions--I didn't realize I was nagging and not helping, I thought I was helping, but after reading a lot about addiction, I think I only added to his bad feelings, and I feel terrible about it, anguished. Responsible. Also, I didn't take many of his calls--whether he called once a day or ten times a day--because I've been so conflicted about what to do, and my friends have all been pressuring me to cut it off immediately.

I take solace in that the last time I talked to him I think we had the first real discussion where we weren't just cutting each other down. I changed tactics and apologized for not listening to him and validating his feelings more. I said I was sorry if I hurt him. He said it was an apology he could accept. I told him, look, I love you. I like you right now, I liked you two days ago (the day he made a left a bunch of cruel messages), I always like you. If you ever decide to go to treatment, I will support you 100%.

He then said, "I don't need to go to rehab, I'm through ******* up." I really think he means this and wants this to be true. I just said that ******* up was a poor way of putting it because we're human. Now I feel like I once again failed to listen to him somehow...

He called a couple of times more and I haven't called him back and it's killing me. The first few days my heart hurt nonstop and I felt like walking dead. I'm a little better today. Am I doing the right thing? Should I try to contact him so he knows I'm not ignoring him out of lack of love? Am I driving him to use even worse?

Why did I nag him and not listen to him when that wasn't the right thing?

I am very afraid he could become violent with me without meaning to. I lived this with a schizophrenic relative. I already know the feeling of, "The person I love most in the world is a person I'm afraid would hit me." I'm finally protected from that particular situation. Why am I getting into it again?

Even though it's obvious I can never dream of a relationship with this man, and I've already seen so many scary things, I love the person I believe is inside. Help me, I HURT.

Thank you...