So I am bias as what finally got me dealing with the alcohol problem in my life was my hubby's affair. Please know that as I type. Also I have been struck on support forums for infidelity how their idea of alcohol use and affairs varies so differently then it does on this forum, and I am starting to wonder if maybe it is about the lense that we have on and the place where we are, and what we have experienced. Makes sense our experience shapes what we see and feel going forward.
When you read the books and learn about affairs most of them start out as innocent conversations and interactions that can quickly slide a person down a slippery slope into trouble. Not all that different from the stinkin thinkin that people struggling with recovery can convince themselves that they can moderate, and just have one.
Of course we want support and to feel better, and what an awakening that we can't get that from our relationship, for whatever reason.
We have the right to get our needs met, I don't want to deny that. I guess though it is hard for me to imagine when I was in the thick of it with my ex if I would have truly known what my needs were and if they were met or not. i just wanted to hold onto anything that allowed me to feel "good," and I was feeling so bad and lost most of hte time. Also I had this idea that "someone" else would fill that and make it all great for me. In many instances I am starting to learn that it is often me who needs to fill those needs, not anyone else.
Yes my relationship fell short in many ways, but I stayed in it and that is not anyone but myself's responsibility.
The emotions and feelings that we are talking about here with a person outside the primary relationship in many instances by people in affairs is described as a high. Affairs also cause damage and destruction in relationships, similar to other addictive behavior that we are all so familiar with. For me dealing with the alcohol abuse has been much worse, (I got some boundaries around the affair I was not capable of with alcohol).
Liz I commend you for feeling this, understanding where you are at, and telling us about it. That to me is the true mark of self care and responsibility, and a step away from the slipperly slope. Also I commend you for realizing that these feelings and interactions are about you and where you are at.
What a great opportunity to deepen your recovery and really learn about what you need and want as you move forward in your life....
As I write this I realize how nervous I am for posting this. I feel like I might be being judgemental (and that is not my intent). Something in this post has really struck a cord in me and I appreciate you letting me put it down.