Anxiety in dreams
I had a bad night last night with so many dreams where I experienced a high level of anxiety. Some of them were work related and some were home related. I drank a glass of wine at some point; thank goodness it was just a dream.
I woke up feeling pretty bad, but it was clear to me that one of the reasons I drank and then relapsed for so long is because I am anxious and worry about things and drinking numbed that. It ties into stress, but it was more than that; the way I process situations sometimes causes me anxiety where I don't know what to do and then feel inadequate or helpless. Drinking took away those feelings. While I am 100 percent committed to staying sober, I realize that in addition to not drinking, I'm going to have to really work hard on dealing with the "why" so I cope differently. I'm not sure I fully realized this truth during my last attempt.
I started drinking on my vacation when a couple we were with starting fighting in a club. It was a nasty fight (fueled by alcohol) and the things they were saying were terrible. It made me feel so uncomfortable and since everyone else was drinking, I did too. It numbed that uncomfortable feeling. I realize I just should have removed myself from the situation since it had nothing to do with me and go back to my room. I should have not gone on the trip at all; it was too soon, but I'm glad to be back on track now and trying to gain some wisdom from it.
I'm going to start exercising to get some good endorphins in my brain and see if that helps. Rather than eating at my desk as I often do for lunch, I am going to commit to walking at least 30 minutes. It will get me outside and help me clear my head. I told my son I'd take a walk with him and Charlee when I get home from work. If it remains a problem, I will talk to my doctor. While I wish I had more restful sleep, I appreciate the clarity of the dreams.
Other than last night, it was a good weekend. On Saturday, I drove to Virginia to meet my dad so my mom could get home (my parents live about 7 hours from me so we met half-way) and took care of a ton of little errands and worked with my daughter in our garden yesterday.