Welcome Jimi. I'm glad you found us and wanted to share your story. I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced and pray that you'll have some relief from it.
I agree with Bimini - the only way out is through it. Masking our feelings (no matter how justified) is not going to help us. You already realize that or you wouldn't have reached out for some help. I hope sharing here will ease the anxiety and stress of your situation. We care about you.