JimiH576

-Preface

So this is going to be long, but I can safely say it will be one of the more interesting stories you will read today. This post comes from the deepest state of helplessness I have ever experienced. I have read more and more posts on these forums that have made me comfortable enough to share my story,if for no other reason that it is truely my last option to try and get some help. I hope you 1) enjoy my story and 2) are able to offer me some form of empathy, guidance, prayers, and good vibrations.

-My situation

Here are some contextual facts about myself:

My mother was murdered in 2006...The case was ruled a suicide, but she died of 5 stab wounds to the stomach. Unless she was a closet samurai warrior of some sort, I find that cause of death to be highly unlikely.

The case was in the cold case division for some time, but the department closed the division and reassigned the lead investigator.

The context of the whole thing, which is too long and painful to explain, has granted me the knowledge of who did it. I know who killed my mom.

Basically, I grew up in a perfect childhood. My dad was self employed and built a very successful business. I never wanted for a thing. I had the best of everything, whenever I wanted it. My mom was a very special mother and my dad was a hard worker and attentive father. When I was 16, my parents began having problems and separated. My dad focused on his work ever more intensely and my mom took up a new hobby of riding horses. WELL... she eventually made a friend in a barn worker where she rode. This friend was a similar-aged woman, from a rough background. Slowly, my mom began taking on aspects of this friend. from her physical appearances, to her language, actions, character...everything. Over the course of two years, she completed transformed. The friend convinced my mom to leave her home, and go into the horse business with her, which entailed my mom living in a run down single wide trailer with no electricity and out in the middle of nowhere. AT the same time, my mom was working on her masters in psychology. She was doing her case study ON HER FRIEND, (Like I said, its very twisted) and working at a mental health clinic.

After a LOT of drama, I made a sincere effort to accept the new character my mom was embracing, and went and visited her at the secluded trailer. It was a very awkward experience, but we bonded somewhat. A few weeks later, she called my dad and was clear and direct and "Like her old self" according to my dad. She told him she was going to move out from the trailer and get a apartment in the city. The next day, she was dead.

So, the conclusion we have had to go on, since the case is cold, is that when my mom informed the friend she was moving out, she killed her. there is a lot of circumstantial evidence to support it, including the friend trying to become the beneficiary of my moms insurance policy. There is also documented evidence of my mom staying over night at the clinic where she worked because she was afraid to go home to her friend. She also told one of her coworkers that she woke up to her friend standing over here one time as well.

Multiple psychiatrists police and FBI sources have confirmed their OPINIONS that it is a true case of brain washing. My mom was a very trusting person, too trusting, and she also had a long history of mental issues as well. Her dad was a monster.

The main working narrative that my shattered family has tortuously assembled for going on 8 years is this: Just before my parents began having problems, my mom accessed the psychological case files of her father. She had been sexual abused by her father and had repressed the memories and had a psychic break of some sort. My Dad certainly takes his responsibility in handling things and while there is a perception that something "Shady" went down involving him in the death is a rumor throughout my small hometown, I have never really suspected him of it, because he was and is just as lost as I am.

So to get back to the present a bit, (because I could go on and on and on) here is where I am right now:

I was a sophomore english major in college when my mom died. I finished that degree and later finished my Religious Studies degree as well, in honor of my mom kinda. I've worked in the newspaper industry since college, which really means, I've freelanced my butt off for crumbs, working from my own office, in my home, mostly alone. After a month at a daily news website, working from a home office again, in a new city I cracked. I couldn't handle being alone writing all day anymore.

I could easily work for my dad and be handed his company and not have to sweat a cent every again. Everyone in town expects me to do that. But I feel an obligation to cut my own path through the world. The problem is, I have all of these issues in my subconscious that I am projecting onto every aspect of my world, that I am not even living in reality. I've smoked a ton of weed since high school, and I've been in a string of codependent relationships with partners who are liable to abandon me and be untrustworthy. Yet at the same time, I am so hyperaware of any threat of something happening like what happened to my mom, that I take codependent to the extreme.

I am never satisfied in relationships with women, or with my family.
I take everything so personally.
I am currently in a rollercoaster relationship with an AGF and I am aware that I am replaying my mom's relationship through her. I am also aware that the universe presents problems in a pattern until you learn from them. (call it karma, grace, gods will, the force, what have you)

I literally don't know where to begin.
I'm currently seeing a psychologist, who was my mom's guidance counselor, which is nice because she had more access to my mom in the last two years of her life than any of my family.
I've seen medicine men, I've contemplated doing a pilgrimage to Varanassi, India to try and conquer the fear of death. I've pretty much lost my childhood catholicism, mostly because I don't need anymore guilt to bare, but I have considered sucking it up and going to Mass and Confession and spilled the beans similarly to what I am doing now.

I just cannot find myself in a grounded, real sense of myself. I've tried meditation and yoga but I can't stick with it. I am weak-willed and broken. I know the weed is killing motivation and I've got such a good excuse that noone would really blame me. This has built a loop of self victimization in my brain that i CANNOT get out of.

I'm getting closer and closer to going to an Al Anon meeting, but the issue with me smoking, my girlfriend drinking, all our mental issues...everything is intertwined and I don't think I could unwind it all in a group meeting in person. Not yet anyway.

I don't have a job at the moment, and I'm in limbo as far as my living situation. For the last three weeks, I've living with my agf but each friday, we've had a drunken fight, just like we have for the entire 3 years that we've been off and on, either planning a family, or not on speaking terms.

Basically, I am trying to be a man. I am a 26 year old with many qualities of that 16 year old kid that observed my family's slow implosion.

I am trying very hard to not seek vengeance. I am trying very hard to not be reactionary. But in my day to day interactions, I am struggling to control my emotions, struggling to find inspiration, struggling to find meaning, struggling to find empathy and struggling to find love.

The idea in my head is of me being a motivated, inspired writer. At one time, I loved it. But that time has long passed. I imagine myself reading all the time, and writing notes as I stroll through the park...just being "turned on" and "tuned into" life. I dream of writing a novel, memoir, or movie script about all of this junk that is my world, and I vaguely accept the notion that "writing it all out" will be therapeutic. But how do I make ends meet while I do such hard inventory analysis of my mind? How do I success in the real world, when I want no part of it. (Drones over Yosemite now, cell phone zombies)

I don't know how to file away my situation. I don't know what parts of me are authentic, what parts are due to my relationship with my AGF, what parts are reactions from subconscious injuries from my mom's situation...etc.

So, if anyone is still with me this far along, I ask of you:

Please tell me that I will figure this mess out.
Please point me in some kind of direction. I know its "one breath at a time," but I cannot take it one breath at a time when I'm supposed to be establishing myself, becoming a man, finding a stable career, etc.

I'm completely rambling at this point, which means that we've finally locked into the authentic stream of my consciousness. I am lost in the woods. Please someone shine a light.