readerbaby71

like go to a dark dive bar, cry in my beer, get wasted kind of drinking. I had a crappy morning and was feeling overly emotional. We've both been sick and I was feeling despondent about everything. I went to buy some potting soil and stuff for my yard and planned to work outside when I got home. As I was driving I started thinking "I could just go to _____ and drink and get rid of this irritation and pain. I could sit inside on this sunny day and just forget about everything that's bothering me." It was so tempting. I drive right by the place all the time and usually don't even have a fleeting thought of stopping.

My bf had a painting in an art show Saturday night and had to pick it up Sunday afternoon. I thought about how he'd feel if I blew off picking it up and didn't come home or let him know where I was. There's no fricking way I could do that. I can't believe the thought even entered my mind.

Last week Carlotta mentioned that I should watch my own sobriety since he had a slip and wasn't doing well. At the time I thought, "there is noooo way there's even a chance of me going back to drinking." Well, there is. It's been a long, long time since I've had cravings/compulsive thoughts like that. I'm glad I didn't act on it. I made it through the day and have been much better since then. When I got home I told my BF that I almost drank and we had a long talk that made me feel much better. I have been in recovery for ages but I can't forget that the desire to kill the pain with alcohol will always be there and all it takes is one drink to fall into that hole.

Thanks for letting me share this, and THANK YOU, Carlotta for your insight. I don't know if I would have resisted the urge if I hadn't thought about what you said.