letter I wrote to my RABF
He is healthy alcohol & drug abusive recovery programs. Very active in these programs. But this is the letter I wrote to him this morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
To be honest and fair, if you wanted to move out, please do so. I’m tired of you saying it every time you get frustrated. I took a risk to move out with you and let you back to my life. I anticipate this day also when I made this decision.
I do not enjoy waking up in the morning and suddenly the rest of my day flops around. I never raise my voice for the last; I don’t know, 10-20 years. But I did that twice in less than 3 days. It frustrated. I do not enjoy take any form of verbal or mental abusive. I’m not a pleaser, at least anymore. I will speak up my mind and stand up for myself every time I need to. But if it happens too often, I also need to find a way to avoid or stay away from it to protect myself.
I’m sorry (I mean it, not just saying it for saying) that I do not know how to talk to you. All I thought I was just asking a simple question, but a lot of time, it turns out not the same case to you. You think I was accusing you. Just recently, I asked you to check the knife if it’s at work, I got slapped right back at by asking it. I asked you if you coming back for dinner when you would go out to a restaurant or pub to watch UFC for 3 hours. I got slapped again by asking to find out if I should make dinner. This morning, I asked you if you need lunch, and if you are not going to eat the leftovers in the fridge, then just throw it away. I raised your voice and said offensive word back at me right away. This is what I see and in my mind, I see foods in the fridge, I do not want to keep on making more or bigger portion of dinner, but then more foods just store in the fridge. I do not force myself to eat food I do not enjoy, so I never have problem you throw away any food. But I do not know what you will eat and what you don’t. There is cooked pasta, cornbeef, porkloin and Geoff bbq in the fridge. Should I keep on making a bigger portion dinner, so there is more leftover for the lunch next day? I just want to know which you will eat and which not. So I know how much I should make. I do not know which dishes you like and which you don’t. All I see is, there are foods in the fridge, and so should I make more? However, I never anticipate these conversations will turn into arguments. I obviously did not anticipate any offensive response or foul language back at any time of the day. When I told you I do not like to slap at or yell at. I MEAN IT. I’m not your mom. I will not take any form of abusive from you. Not even Sabrina can talk to me like that. No one on earth will ever talk to me like that, not at work, not my family, not my friends, my ex or even a stranger. This is called “RESPECT” and it’s what I have been asking for months. I will not let you continue to do that to me. Whenever you get frustrated for any reason, or even from me, you deal with it or find a way or time to raise your concern, but not blast it on me or anyone. It sounds silly, but I have been telling you so many times to don’t yell at me or slap at me, you do not listen, so lately I just give you the same treatment back, act the way you act back at you. Yell at you, banging doors and cupboard. Let you have the taste of yourself. Within 2 weeks, you couldn’t stand it and said you want to move out twice. I have been treated like this for the past. I did try to tell you about this abusive behavior for the past few months, yet you did not take it seriously. And now I’m tired of it because this is just not me.
I do think you have a huge anger management problem. And I do not enjoy being a sandbag. You might say it runs in your family, but this is not an excuse. There is ways to improve on how to manage your temper. If you think you need to take course or meeting for this area, you will have to do it. But it’s totally up to you. All I want to say is I do not want keep on being not respected. This is over my limit and I raised my concern. I saw these anger issues run in your dad, your brother or even your uncle. You mom willing to take all these, but I did not sign up for this when I entered this relationship. I let you belittled me in the past, but I learned and improved. I will not let this happen to myself anymore. I do not want to go back to that miserable life again. Loving someone does not need to be neither his doormat; nor his toy which when he is happy he will treat you if not, you do not receive any respect. I believe I deserve respect anytime of the day, not just sometime of the day. And I have my own value. I’m not perfect. I have my own problems and flaws, like everyone else. But I do not take my frustration to others. I expect the same from others. I need to protect my daughter too, I do not want her to think this is an acceptable behavior. I do not want her to grow up and have a boyfriend or husband yell at her and she thinks this is fine.
The trip, I don’t care much now. I don’t know why I anticipate that I will get slap at during the trip already. After booked the hotels and flight tickets, I kind of started worrying about this already. So I still haven’t book the car rental and Alcatraz yet, every day I just check them online to make sure they are still available. I never have this feeling when I went for a trip with my family or other before. But I have this worry when I go on a trip with you.
So if you want to move out or move back to your parents, it’s fine to me totally. As I said, I anticipated already. I’m not kicking you out like your parents or your brother, but you have been saying it few times when you got frustrated already. I do not want to wake up in a morning and have the surprise again. Please let me know.
----------------------------------------------------------