Astolfo

It's been two and a half years since I separated from my AH, and almost as long since I posted to this amazing website. Long story short(ish):

We were together for 6 years. It took me a long time to realise he was an alcoholic and an addict.

When I finally summoned up the courage to sound the alarm, he refused to get help. I moved out. He started looking at dating websites.

I went to Al Anon. And with me still nagging like a good codie, he went to AA. He did a month of rehab. I supported him but did not move back in. We agreed that the first year of recovery is momentous and we would not make any major decisions during that time, but continued to see each other. He started listening to me - really listening – both of us working hard to be honest and open to change. There was a brief window when I felt maybe, I could love this man and live with him again and what we have could be stronger than any fears about relapse and ensuing downward spirals. Maybe we could learn to live like grownups, in mutual respect.

He relapsed. First into the drinking and the pot-smoking, then into blaming me for abandoning him, equating my “flaws” with his addiction, finding 101 reasons why AA was not for him, insisting he wasn’t “really” an alcoholic, quack quack quack quack quack.

And I was done. 16 months after moving out, I asked him for a divorce. He was surprised. He relapsed harder. He looked at more dating websites. He went on a couple of dates, but they didn’t lead anywhere because “the women were his age (late 40s) and just too unattractive.”
He continued to insist that he and I belonged together, that what we had was special, that my life was “better with him in it,” that I had given up on us too soon. He mentioned, repeatedly, that our wedding vows “had really meant something to him.”

I kept going to Al Anon.

He went into rehab a second time, and back to AA.

He is currently 3 months sober. A few weeks ago, he met someone in his AA homegroup. And now he is in love, and so brimming with happiness that he feels able to tell me “I still really love you, and I wish you the same happiness.” And he mentions, again, how much our wedding vows meant to him. How the spirituality he is discovering in AA has made him realise how amazing and powerful those vows really are.

And I am a mess. Crystal clear that I did the right thing – I don’t want him back, I don’t miss him, I am appalled that I could have lived as long as I did with someone so immature and so insensitive. But I am absurdly jealous of this new woman, who (he has told me) is younger than I am, and “athletic” (AH was concerned, throughout our marriage, that my body shape was moving “beyond acceptable parameters,” even when I was an average body shape). I am in better shape now than I have ever been and yet the “athletic” remark really hurt. I’m jealous that he is enjoying the thrill of new love while I am still working through so much crap from our relationship.

And even though he has moved on, and is in love, he still refers to the divorce as “my project” and insists that since I instigated it when he didn’t want it, it’s up to me to make it all happen, all the paperwork and all the costs. And I can do that – I am doing it – but standing in line at the Supreme Court downtown in a windowless room straight out of a dystopian novel, I felt absolutely enraged. How dare he. How come I’m still the one cleaning up the mess and being the grownup, while he gets to play.

I know it’s irrational and pointless but I keep getting stuck in an imagined, self-righteous rant that will finally MAKE HIM SEE (a) how miserably damaging our marriage was for me, (b) how outrageous and bewildering it feels to have someone insist he loves you when so much of what he says and does makes you feel like ****, (c) how “wedding vows” mean more than just staying monogamous and staying put.

When he repeats how much the vows meant to him, I hear “clearly they didn’t mean much to you, since you left.” Why does that still hurt?

I have moved on too, in lots of good ways - still going to Al Anon, working on healthy boundaries and good self-care. And much of the time I am truly happy. But it still upsets me that he doesn't "get it" and most likely never will. I want to wish him well, not to begrudge him happiness; I also want some insight about who he was (and maybe largely still is) to hit him like a 2x4 plank on the head.

Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone recognizes any part of this, please share!