Thank you all for your kind words and reasonable advice.
I am very focused on myself!!! Thanks for making affirming that as my first priority. I feel that right now it is just different not being the leader for once whether the activities are good or bad. I will have to change my outlook and have faith that those who mean a lot to me will be there when all this clears up. In my first year of undergrad my best friend was murdered in our home town and it really "messed" our group up, both my family and friends. Not everyone has moved on. For some of us other traumatic events happened which continued to push us into the routine of drinking and left us in a rut. One of my closest friends has been sober for a year and half, but I'm not comfortable seeking my sobriety in the environment he lives in because alcohol is prevalent. That's his choice, and I understand, he pays cheap rent, lives my musicians whom he practices with. But, I can't do it.
I've been alone both for school and work in the past but I binge drank frequently whenever I got angry, frustrated, felt lonely, or confused. It was awful. This is the first time it's been truly me on my own without alcohol. I currently live with my parents and my wife may move in here when she finishes a work engagement this week. We have both been going to regular therapy and it has already made things better. Also, we spent a few weeks living with a woman who has been in recovery, it kind of opened my eyes, Then I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday and we both agreed sobriety is my most important goal, even before treating anxiety, depression, or any other negative emotion. My wife doesn't drink as much as I did, but she has not given up alcohol yet. Her father is an alcoholic. We both want to live a fulfilling life without alcohol, but for so many years we were lost. I haven't completely discussed my decision with he to pursue full recovery. I would like to do it when she gets back from work. I have seen many marriages saved or preserved because of the choice of one or both of the people involved to pursue sobriety. I want it for us because we were going down a dark path; negative emotions, resentment, trauma. I will check out threads on sober marriage. This is all very new to me. I want to live and what is best for myself.
How about sober friends or those who have been through full recovery? What are they worth. It sounds like the overwhelming consensus is on the self. Is it safe to seek support/advice/new relationships with those friends?
As I said I am very close to my friends, neither myself or my wife have very large families, we celebrate holidays together often, etc. I also have an important wedding coming up in June. My friend isn't an alcoholic but he does drink. He has never pushed drinking on me. I know I can take a hard enough stance on my sobriety not to drink at the wedding. Last weekend I watched a hockey game at his house and drank water, I think he drank a beer towards the end of the match, but I didn't even really notice. His fiance doesn't drink because of alcohol usage in her family.
I think once I start 12 steps or another sober program I will be able to deal with some of the negative emotions from the past that have forced me to seeks the answer from others rather than inside myself. I know I need it because I've been a "dry drunk", (sober up to a year and a half) but nothing really changed for me because my attitude stunk. Thanks for all your support and I look forward to learning more from this site.
Blessings and peace,