Dr. S., I just met you on the Undies thread and have just read what you've shared here. I think you are behaving justly and maturely, and have shown a great deal of patience. This seems like a good document you have. I know you're not religious, but I will pray for you.
My husband really was angry, belittling, hostile, verbally abusive, and contemptuous for many years. One day he put himself under somebody else's tutelage and decided he was going to be good. It took awhile, but he really did change. i had my faults, and often I was responsible for goading him--but I reacted to the change, and now we are best friends.
We still have flaws--we are still the same basic people with the same basic makeup--but we treat each other 100% better.
I hope that your wife finds the key to humbling herself and being selfless at Al-Anon--or someplace else. I will be praying for your time at the therapist's. You have all my support and best wishes.