I really do feel like I'm going under for the 3rd time....
I have not been in such a state at work as I am now (waiting for the house of cards to fall) since way back when I bought this house and work was falling apart. My boss gets it...knows it's not my fault...but things are falling through the cracks cause I just can't get it all done!
I almost cried I was so humiliated yesterday. I forgot to turn in a payroll paper to get someone some money! I think he'll still get it in time, but it might be 2 weeks late. I have 5 stacks of "do now" files sitting on the floor and 2 desks of "waiting for response" items spread out on them...
Wednesday I had to do lunch with my boss and my staff member (which I hate doing) and they had a bar....I actually wasn't tempted, but I'm really glad it wasn't today, cause today I'm just not sure how I would react. Even last night I had to remind myself that as much as the small ah moment, followed by being black out drunk and not thinking about work....the worst thing I could do right now is drink. There was a time when I believe I was better at my job drunk than sober, but those days are long gone. The last few times I've drank it has been so obvious to me how poor my work performance becomes.
It's not really any concelation that this overwhelming work situation isn't due to me drinking or me at all. I guess it should be. But I do know that if I were to drink I would end up messing things up worse and probably end up having to miss at least 3 days to shake rattle and roll my way into a new sobriety (provided I could even do that). Additionally, I think it would be likely I would end up in the hospital because I don't drink lightly...I go straight to a liter a day and my body chemistry and my pancreas just can't take that anymore.
OK...I need to remember... I AM sober right here and now...No one has yelled at me yet....The house of cards has not yet fallen....
I got my new vacuum yesterday, so I will have that to help me try to get the house in order the next 3 weekends for my son's graduation. I was arranging for someone to come help me clean, but of course that didn't pan out. I actually have really noticed this week that I was right long ago when I realized that I really can't count on anyone else. Sometimes help is there, sometimes not...in the end I have to rely on doing it all myself. But I don't have to be bitter or angry about that...it's just life. Everyone tries, but everyone (including me) fails at times and people have their own lives to live...I'm not the center of the universe (LOL)
OK ... I'll be more up next time!