As M.o.S. stated contempt is a very toxic element in a relationship, there is a well known psychologist who has documented this extensively if you google it.
While many of us are often in denial about alcoholism, active alcoholism is usually very obvious. It is a tangible thing with direct physical results and consequences that can be pointed to. In short, when one is ready to acknowledge they have a problem there is usually a lot of evidence to support that view. Active alcoholism and its behaviors can have serious effects on a marriage, but it doesn't make us solely responsible for all the problems, or give the other partner license to treat us poorly. Behavior like you have described is really unhealthy, not just for you two, it also doesn't teach kids that conflicts can be resolved without engaging in a zero sum game. (I grew up in that sort of house). If you read the F&F section here there are tons of members who belong to Al-Anon who carved out their own happiness, this happiness was not predicated on trashing their partner. Getting well should not be "against them" it should be "for you".
Other issues in a marriage aren't quite as easy to label or pin down. Being unwilling to even set a time to talk is a very controlling and diminishing way to treat a partner. It sounds like you are locked in a power struggle. Perhaps your wife is easily influenced and hearing all of these terms for the first time in striking a deep chord. Perhaps she is identifying and doesn't feel so alone, you are just seeing overkill as she acknowledges her own power. Or perhaps she has her own set of issues. Just like they speak about on the F&F forum, your option is to set boundaries, not ultimatums. Boundaries dictate what your parameters are and how you will respond to protect yourself.
There is a very good book called "Dance of Intimacy", it talks about the struggle we become involved in…. pursuer, distancer. Refusing to speak, silent treatment, all power games. Chances are she isn't behaving that way because she doesn't care, but somehow hurting you keeps her feeling connected.
It sounds like you are getting punished…maybe your wife is releasing years of pent up rage. And while I do believe that we need to own our pasts, I don't believe we need to wear sackcloth and ashes. It sounds like your wife is pretty easily influenced, the pendulum may be swinging widely in the other direction, chasing her is only going to reinforce the idea that punishing you gets your attention.
I hope you read the book. It is empowering to know that we are part of the "dance" and that we actually help to proliferate the ongoing struggle. I've been there. I have learned that the healthiest relationships are those where two individuals who have their own feet firmly on the ground come together and enhance each other. Not against her, for you.