Originally Posted by
MissFixit 
An older woman friend of mine told me that in order for a marriage to survive and thrive long term there needed to be mutual respect and admiration for one another. (She has been married three times and the third is ongoing to a former childhood love. Lots of experience there.) She told me this when I was with my exA and struggling to come to terms with his alcoholism and immature ways.
In my current relationship I respect him as a person much more than my ex. I also respect and admire what he has achieved and continues achieving.
Did you two decide who has what duties in the relationship or did it evolve de facto? For example does he see his work and paycheck as him meeting his responsibilities in the relationship, but you are responsible for all home stuff? Did you guys agree to that set up if that is what happens?
We (me and current bf) talk through who does what and what we each want/need. Both of us are pretty independent so when we came together we already were taking care of ourselves completely (I think this might be something more common in later in life relationships).
It started out as me just taking care of all the house stuff, even when we were dating I somehow took over mowing the lawn at HIS rental townhouse. He used to tell me how I was vacuuming wrong and the pattern wasn't going the right way or how I didn't know how to make the bed and then he'd show me how to do hospital corners and then expect me to do it his way(I don't do that anymore, FYI, LOL). He was older, I was young and naive and I just capitulated and did what he told me to do.
I worked full time as a broker for a while and got a lot of accolades at work for my work ethic and how I handled our clients, etc, but I'd come home and feel like I was Cinderella. When I complained or asked him to help out, many times he would act put upon or whine so much while doing the task that I finally just stopped asking. I took care of everything: the pool, the yard, sometimes the grass because he was spending days locked in his office depressed. He would make such a scene or act out when he did tasks for me, that I felt like I was unfairly burdening him with these 'mundane life tasks' so I took it all on and became superwoman. I tried to talk to him but it always wound up becoming a rant from him about how hard life is, how work is pressing in on him, how awful his childhood was, etc. Basically, any time I expressed MY needs or MY feelings, it got turned around to his own pity party and we'd be 3 hours into this conversation with nothing resolved and me just exhausted the next day. Honestly, this was for the first 15 years of our marriage. Over and over again, until I finally shut down and stopped communicating about my needs and my feelings and I just started doing everything. The Christmas lights and decorations, getting boxes down from the attic, changing the air filters in the house, taking care of cleaning the pool and monitoring the chemicals(I have a pool guy now because our new house has a complicated system, but I did this for years before), fertilizing the plants, trimming the plants, pulling the weeds or spraying, the vacuuming, the dusting, the toilets, the mirrors, the windows and doors, the cabinets and counters, the floors, the bedding and towels washed, the cars, medical appointments, all the help for my son and his appointments...blah blah blah....I could go on, LOL. And, he wants respect because he has a job and does the dishes every once in a while and helps with the laundry?
After typing that out, I wonder what the h*ll is wrong with me?