I don't know how or why I still fall for lies the same ones over and over again, I really would like to break the cycle I don't want my son to see this kind of turmoil and be affected by alcoholism like I have.
You have come to the right place with these thoughts and worries. Many, many of us have been in a situation similar to yours. You believe the lies because you so badly want the dream of the perfect little family to be true.
But you are also wise enough to know just how much growing up with an alcoholic parent has harmed you, and you want better for your son. And you can have that.
It's difficult to make the decision to seek help -- whether from a women's shelter or the police. You feel like you're betraying your partner. What helped me was to focus less on him and more on my children. Like you, I wasn't sure I was worth better than what I had being married to an A. But you
know that your son is worth better. It took me a very long time to see that -- that my children were hurting. And deserved better.
You know what you want and you know where you're going. You're just looking for something -- strength? permission? -- to do it. You don't need to keep looking because you have everything you need within you.