Nice job on 20+ days
Sounds like you have a tough environment to deal with there, which is a credit to your strength. Continuing to post here is a great idea. Your AV will tell you it's ok to skip a day. Do your best not to.
I have tried and tried and tried to kick my habit. Each time I think I have a solution (meditation, reading AVRT, exercising all the time, staying busy with cooking/cleaning/working out/shopping/etc, talking to family, and so on). Up until now I have continued to struggle escaping it's grasp. Eventually I forget the pain. I start to feel normal again and then next thing I know I am looking in the mirror all strung out and HATING myself. That's followed by a week of intense anxiety, self hatred, fear, and always a new dedication to recovery and sobriety. For some reason, up until now, the drive faded and I relapsed.
My most extended sobriety has been when I have a support network through AA. I honestly don't like that I need it. Frankly, I'm angry about it. But I know that it works if I stay committed. I try not to think about the future. I try not to think about my concerns with the program - like, being labeled, having to go to meetings every day for the rest of my life, losing friends, wondering if I will ever have fun again, wondering if women will reject me for my association with recovery, an so on.
TODAY I cannot control those things. TODAY I can do what's best for me TODAY, which is tapping into a support system. I can talk to people that I feel comfortable talking to. I can listen to, believe, and buy into things that I feel comfortable listening to, believing in, and buying into. If I find there are things that don't feel right I try not to judge them - I just acknowledge that they are there and move on to find things that work.
As I type this I am calling myself a liar. The addict in me says I will go back to using. The addict in me is telling me to shut up and just wait until I am ready to get wasted again. That sucks to have to deal with that. But I believe that if I stay true to my recovery that voice will subside. Then it will get sneakier.
Anyway, thanks for your post and for continuing to come back. You are an inspiration.