I'm fond of the slogan:
"We're all just doing the best we can with the tools we have."
When someone uses anger or aggression to get what they want, often that's because that's the only tool they have. As long as being nice works, they'll use that tool. When being nice isn't getting them what they want, they resort to throwing a temper tantrum and name calling.
And if
that works, they'll keep that tool handy for the next time they aren't getting what they want.
As long as their
action provokes the right
re-action, they're satisfied. Just my own theory, but that's why the alcoholic hates it when we go to Al-Anon. We learn to not react and all of a sudden their favorite tool isn't working anymore (maybe after decades of it working just fine), and they are absolutely baffled.
Changed attitudes
can aid recovery.