You found a great place phoenixbot - we all understand & you're never alone.
Your emotions are all over the place & it's understandable. I was so afraid to let go of it, even though it was destroying me. In the end I was drinking 'round the clock. All my best intentions flew out the window as soon as I had those first sips. I was doing out-of-character things (like you) and scaring everyone. I had to stop to save my life and salvage what I could. You can do this phoenix - we are with you.