Thanks for the tutorial RE boundaries. You're right, though it seems like it's a tough line to walk. Maybe a good working definition for me would be that a Boundary is something that I tell myself and commit myself to holding, while a Rule is something that I tell my AW.
Frankly, I don't know that I can keep any of the boundaries that will do any good. I have stuck to the resolution that I won't drink with her or hang out with her while she's drinking. But I'm not sure it's having any influence on her -- if that's even the goal? -- and it mostly results in me sitting in the library or wandering the streets, literally, for hours while I wait for her to pass out.
Onward.
First Al-Anon meeting today. AW secret drinking today when I got back. She was in tears pretty much all day with feelings of shame, worthlessness, failure etc. Some consciously to do with alcohol I assume but what she was talking about were the other problems -- not having enough talent, not getting anywhere in life, and so on (we're both in a sorta creative field).
Anyway, so we had this long, long talk during which I tried to react differently and not get angry or hold last night's episode against her, and I was congratulating myself for handling it better..... And then she started slurring and slouched off to bed to pass out.
It's really scary because this is the third day in a row, after about 6 months of maintaining some level of sobriety -- going a week or two weeks without a drink. Before she went into hospital and did the whole DTs thing, she was drinking upwards of half a quart of vodka every night for a long time and then at the end drinking in the day as well. I'm scared that we're headed back to that, and what it will mean.
Obviously, there's the worst case scenario thinking: Her liver will pack up.
Then there's the general, my life will be unlivable hell.
But then there's also a new fear: Part of my (in hindsight, very stupid) plan to get her to change was to move us to Europe from India, so now it's not really possible for me to leave her. She is unemployed and the lease is in my name. In order to rent a new place I'd have to cancel this one. So to "leave her" I would actually have to kick her out. We don't know anybody here, so that would mean on the street or on a plane to India.
And when she was at her bottle-a-day glory it was impossible to get her on a flight.
Ugh.
Okay.... Worst case scenario thinking over. It's also possible that she will try again tomorrow. It's also possible that she'll go back to India without the problems that I'm forecasting. Deep breath.