phoenixbot

I relapsed again a few months ago (the longest I made it was 28 days, although, in the spirit of the lying alcoholic, I got drunk two of those days and still kept counting).

Since that time, I've lost work, gained about 40 pounds, can't sleep soundly, lost my family, friends, and my sponsor. Sometimes by week's end there were almost as many dirty dishes as there were lies I'd told. How many times did I wake up and tell myself I'd "just" drink a half pint of vodka that day, only to find, by 8 pm, that I'd gone through a liter and was on my way to buy more? You know, so that I had enough booze the next morning to make it through before the liquor store reopened.

My SO caught me stealing money from his wallet last week--a thing I never in a million years pictured myself doing--and gave me an ultimatum.

So here I am, back to day one. I don't know that I'll make it to an AA meeting today, just on account of the nausea and sweating. (Did anyone else have a great fear at their first few meetings that they'd vomit in front of everyone because they were coming down?) But instead of submitting to loneliness and despair, I thought I'd join SR and say hello. I feel like crying and am completely overwhelmed...but hopeful.