I understand and I'm sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom, as I'm newly free from the madness myself. We haven't spoken in a few days since I emailed him saying I don't want to talk to him again, at least not until I get help mentally. But today I struggled with wanting to reach out. I totally understand the conflicted feelings. My therapist told me I need to allow myself to feel my feelings so I can get to the othersside. Know that you did the best you could and there really is no easy way through this. I hope the pain goes away as the days go on. What I've found helpful is to make lists. Lists of things that make me happy, places I want to travel to, reasons why I'm moving on. I use markers and stickers from the dollar store. May sound silly but it helps me. Wishing you peace xoxo