Hey guys! Haven't posted in awhile, but feeling disappointed and fighting the urge to respond. I haven't talked to my ASTBXH in over a month and a half. We do communicate over text, mostly bills and house stuff, but the marriage, alcohol, abuse, lying conversations have been exchanged. Anyway, he sounded like he's been doing okay, but today I can tell (and he's pretty much confirmed) that he's completely wasted. He's been saying he's "only drinking a few beers sometimes and has gotten his drinking under control"... yeah right.
I don't even know how I feel, maybe disappointed, vindicated, sad for him. I'm not going back and proceeding forward as planned with the move and D, but I still hope he can change for himself and because I do love him. I don't have any more tears left, but the ache in my heart is still there and I'm finding it so hard to not respond or pick up to try and "manage" this episode. There's nothing I can say or do that will have any impact, it just hurts so much seeing him drown and no longer wanting to reach out and grab him.
I'm still so angry at him for what he's done, how he's hurt me, the damage he's caused that I struggle to repair every day, the embarrassment he's put me through. I'm so conflicted within myself because I saw something different for so many years and I can't understand why I allowed this for so long.
I'm just venting. Trying to find solace at a time when I used to feel terror and uncertainty. I'm not responding, I'm trying to put him out if my head for now, so I recognize and release this sick need I've had for far too long. Ugh! But why does it have to hurt so much
